


About John

by Leloi



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Guilt, M/M, Referenced Suicide Attempt, Season/Series 04, Spoilers, Therapy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:05:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9169975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leloi/pseuds/Leloi
Summary: Another Six Thatchers "working through the feels" fic...Usually I post a snippet in the summary but there's too many spoilers.





	

“What about John?” She asks calmly. “He just lost his wife, so he may be grieving.”

I focus on the necklace around her neck. If she knew what I knew… About how John had spent months drifting away from his wife. I had seen his texts to someone called “E.” 

“Sometimes when people are grieving they lash out at others.” She offered, waiting to hear my response.

I had told her about his reaction… About his anger towards me for failing him.

“Do you want to talk about the dreams?”

I shake my head. I can’t speak of them. They are too close and too painful. They give reason for John to lash out and me and hate me. I can’t stop them. I work myself to exhaustion and they still come. So I work harder. And they still come. 

“Sometimes it helps give us an understanding of our subconscious.” She gave me that same, patient smile. “Tell me one of your dreams.”

I take a deep breath. “It is 1895.”

A look of puzzlement crosses her face. “1895?”

I choose to ignore her query. “We work together… Live together.” In my dream he abandoned Mary for me… As he had abandoned her for someone called “E.” 

“Live together?” 

This is why I hate when people repeat themselves. “Yes… He was married but he left her to be with me. I stole him away from her.”

“I see. Was it an affair?”

“An elopement.” I answer, biting my lips.

“In 1895?” 

“We cannot speak of it. I will not speak of it. We agreed to the arrangement but it won’t be spoken of because if we do we will be arrested.”

“Ah, yes… The laws back then were against…” Her observation drifted off. “Were you in that sort of relationship in your dream?”

“What? No.” I answered.

“You called it an elopement.” She pointed out.

I bit my lips again.

“Do you have feelings for him?”

I blink… Too fast. I can feel the tears begin to sting my tear ducts. 

“How long?”

“From the beginning. I tried to stop it. I tried not to think about it. I couldn’t… I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Rejection.” I pull my hands to my lips and take deep breaths. “And then I was afraid of what would happen to him if our enemies found out. They threatened to burn out my heart… They promised. So I couldn’t show it when I found out he was jealous or that he might have feelings for me.”

“Sherlock?” She gently prods. “You haven’t said anything.”

“Rejection.” I answer, aware that I answered in my head and not to the therapist sitting before me.

“And he’s rejected you now while he’s grieving.”

“Yes.” The tears finally come, blurring my vision. “He blames me and I can’t…” I can’t finish the words.

“It’s not your fault.”

I take a deep breath and try to swallow around the lump in my throat. 

“What happened to her wasn’t your fault.”

“It was…”

“No. It wasn’t. You feel guilty because you have feelings for him… Feelings you can’t acknowledge.”

I pull my fingers to my lips again, feeling my digits brush against my lower lip.

“You must know… Grief is not forever. It may take time… But it eventually fades. He won’t be angry forever. Give him time.”

I breathe deeply, remembering why I see her. It was because of my overdose… My attempted suicide. If the plane had not been called back I would be dead. We all know it, we just don’t talk about it. Mycroft forced me to confide in someone as to why. It’s useless. I already know why I did it. I did it to take myself out of their lives. Because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch him be with someone else.

“Sherlock…” Her voice is gentle. “Did you hear me?”

I nod. “Give it time.” It seems I have been giving it too much time. If I had told him at the restaurant perhaps he wouldn’t have married her… And he wouldn’t have been so miserable… Nor would he have attempted an affair with someone with the initial “E.” And he wouldn’t be lashing out at me. None of this would have happened. We would be together and he would not hate me. And my heart hurts so much where she shot it. It aches. “If I had told him…” I swallow hard, having difficulty with my words. “If I had told him none of this would have happened. I could have avoided this. I could have taken a different path…”

“We can never know what would have happened. All we can do is try to learn from it and move on.”

“What do I do?” I found myself back at the beginning. 

\--Fin


End file.
